Breathing in the Dark
by nevermore199
Summary: She's halfway to dozing off when Chuck suddenly says, "It's snowing." One-shot, Chuck x Blair. AU after 2.12.


**I actually wrote this back before Episode 2.13 aired and never posted it because I didn't like it much. But I came across it today and said, "Hey, what the heck." So I finished it. : )**

**This takes place sometime after ****It's a Wonderful Lie****, and ignores all episodes afterwards. Beware of sexual content and profanity.**

* * *

Before:

Long after the end of the funeral, she finds him where she expects to find him: in a bar, drinking.

"You're a minor," she jokes half-heartedly.

Chuck stares at her impassively as she sits down next to him and orders a drink. She turns to look at him, but before she can speak, he says, "What are you doing here, Blair?"

"What, you thought I was going to let you drink yourself into misery all alone?" Blair raises an eyebrow. "I thought you knew me better than that."

A moment later, Blair's drink arrives, and she downs it fast. She decides against asking for another.

"Go home, Blair," Chuck says quietly.

"No."

"Blair."

"I'm not leaving you," Blair says stubbornly.

Chuck sighs irritably. "Your mother's going to be looking for you."

"I told her I was staying with Serena," Blair retorts.

"You're not tagging along with me all night."

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"Yes, you are."

"No."

"_Blair_."

"_Chuck_."

Chuck pounds his fist on the table, loud enough that several people look. "Would you just get the fucking hell away from me?" he snaps.

Blair doesn't flinch when he shoots her with a glare. She stares him down, long and hard, as people gape at them and Chuck glowers.

"No," she repeats, quite calmly.

Chuck looks around at all the people staring. "Fuck off," he barks at them. They turn away, whispering among themselves.

"Chuck."

"Don't pretend to understand, Blair." Chuck turns away and grips his glass, so hard that Blair expects it to shatter in his hand. "Don't try and tell me that you know what I'm going through, or that you're here for me or _whatever_."

"Chuck—"

"Because no one _gets it_, alright? No one ever will. I mean, why should I miss my father? He hated me. He blamed me for everything. So why should I care if he's dead?"

"_Chuck_—"

"So that's that, Blair. I really don't care. He didn't care about me, so _why the hell_ would I—?"

"_Chuck_!"

Chuck breaks off, breathing a little fast. Blair looks at him gently, bites her lip.

"I know that I can't understand," she says, her voice soft. "I've never had anyone close to me…die. Like that."

Chuck scoffs before turning away.

"But…I know what it's like to lose my dad," Blair continues. "I know what it's like to feel like he abandoned me, like he's never coming back. I know _that_."

Slowly, she reaches out her hand and places it on top of Chuck.

"I just…" She trails off, struggling for words. "Chuck, I…"

Chuck turns his head back to give Blair a long stare. Intense, silent, filled with something Blair can't identify.

And then he leans in and kisses her. Hard.

* * *

During:

It's the roughest and most frantic sex she's ever had, and damn does it _hurt_.

His lips are demanding on hers, his kisses bordering on violent. His fingernails rake across her back, and she's fairly certain that they've broken skin in at least one location.

Everywhere he touches her, fire erupts.

When he slides inside for the first time, she practically screams. "_Goddammit_,_ Chuck_," she groans through clenched teeth.

For a long time he doesn't answer, only breathes. Long, hard, labored.

She pretends not to see the glimmer of tears, faintly visible in his eyes.

* * *

Right then:

Finally—_finally_—everything shudders slow.

They slow down. And slow down. And slow down some more.

And his lips lower and brush against hers, finally touching her with something other than violence.

* * *

After:

Their arms are thrown loosely around each other, her head rests on his chest, and one of his hands lingers on the small of her back. She can feel his breath, hot and sweet as it fans across her head.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," he whispers suddenly.

"It's okay. You don't have to apologize."

"I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

Blair bites her lip and squeezes her eyes shut, hoping to hide the tears burning at the back of her lids.

* * *

Later:

"I cheated on Nate once."

Chuck shifts in surprise. "What?"

"I cheated on him. Nate. Once." Blair sighs. "Did I ever tell you that?"

"No."

Blair sighs again and moves closer to Chuck. "Right after Serena left. I was depressed, my dad was leaving, Nate was acting weird…I just…God, I don't know. I was messed up. So I went to a bar that no one had ever heard of, got drunk, and made out with some guy." She laughs. "He was probably more than ten years older than me, now that I think of it."

"Blair…"

"It never ended up on Gossip Girl. One of the few things she didn't catch. And I was so grateful. So fucking grateful that I threw a party and didn't tell anyone why. Everyone came, and Nate and I made out in the hallway afterwards, and he tried to have sex with me but I wouldn't let him _again_. It was great."

Chuck can't help but smile very faintly. "I remember that."

"Yeah." Blair closes her eyes and traces a small circle over Chuck's ribs. "Yeah."

Then, a few moments later, in a dry yet small voice: "Those were the days, huh?"

Chuck doesn't answer.

* * *

Later:

She's halfway to dozing off when Chuck suddenly says, "It's snowing."

Blair looks toward the window. Sure enough, powdered white flakes are falling steadily from behind the glass.

They both watch the snow for a while.

Neither of them says a word.

* * *

Later still:

"Blair, are you still awake?"

"Yeah," Blair murmurs. "What's up?"

"What happens when we die?"

Blair looks up at him, surprised. "Huh?"

"What happens when we die?" Chuck says again. "Where do we _go_, anyway? Is there something else after Earth, or are we just…gone?"

"I don't know." Blair closes her eyes, sleepily. "I don't know, Chuck."

"Never mind." Chuck sighs. "Forget it."

* * *

Even later:

She really does doze off, this time.

When she wakes up, he's gone.

"Chuck," she calls out hoarsely, sitting up in bed. "Chuck?"

No one answers.

"Chuck?"

"Right here."

Blair turns.

Chuck is standing at the window, staring out. Blair almost asks if he's okay, but then realizes that it would be a stupid question, so she doesn't.

"I don't know who I am anymore, Blair." Chuck says this in a whisper.

Blair gets out of bed and slowly walks over to the window. "What do you mean?"

"Like…this snow." Chuck gestures wildly out the window. "I can't see it. I can't see anything except the hospital, that damn funeral…" He laughs, and the sound is choked and feral. "I feel so…God, I don't even know."

"Chuck…"

"Why did he have to go and die? Why couldn't he have just made it to the fucking ball and found that Humphrey and punched his lights out?"

Blair touches Chuck's arm. "Chuck."

Chuck turns to look at her. The anguish finally starts to shine in his eyes.

"It's okay," Blair whispers, as he falls into her arms and makes a strangled sound in the back of his throat. And maybe it's a stupid, totally wrong thing to say, but it's the only thing that she can tell him. "It's okay."

And he lets himself cry in her arms. Because maybe she's right.

Maybe it's okay, just this one time.

**

* * *

**

When I first started this, my only desire was to write Chuck x Blair post-funeral sex. And I guess I did. : ) Hopefully it turned out okay.


End file.
